My friends had been falling in and out of love for years before I had my first crush. It was not that I had not tried to fall in love, because I had. I found a boy I thought was nice and kind of pretended that I had fallen in love with him. It sounds silly, does it not? But being the only one who had not fallen in love is a strange position, you feel … left out. Not that my friends would ever do that on purpose, and they did not know anyway. I did not either. I was a very good pretender. It was not until I actually fell in love, that I realized I had been pretending.
Years before I fell in love I had discovered something unusual. Those that I thought cute or beautiful or particularly interesting, those that my eyes would follow down the hallway of their own accord, was girls. My diary became full of rantings and ravings about it. I did not want to be like that, I did not want to be one of those people. Not that I really knew a lot about lesbians at that point. I only knew that was not for me, thank you very much!
A couple of years later I fell in love for the first time. It was a girl at school. About a month went by before I realized what this weird feeling had to be. The butterflies in my stomach. The need to see her. The fact that I could not get her out of my head. Yup, I had fallen in love. Because of this and that, nothing ever happened. Except that I told my friends that I just might be a lesbian. I was so unsure. Maybe it was only this one time, maybe it was only her. I did not know, how could I possibly know, when I only had fallen in love once in my life? I no longer had a problem about falling in love with girls. Why would it be a problem when it felt like that, made me feel like that? Of course, it hurt too, a lot, but still … Girls are great, are that not?
My friends reactions made it easier too. Total acceptance, none of them even batted an eye. One of them had suspected it, because of something I had said once. One of the others gave the best reaction ever, she gave me this big grin and said: “Cool.”
The second time I fell in love, it was easier to recognize and the biggest worry (which is always the biggest worry for anyone in love) was whether she liked me or not. She did. She liked me a lot.