Yesterday I was at the last kinky gathering that I had planned, this time around. The third one I went to in these last two weeks. I’m kind of proud that I actually was able to go to all three; that I didn’t chicken out. Yay me! I’m a woman, hear me roar … Roar … Meep! Okay, it was a bit of both, but I went to all three, and I had a good time, every time.
I’m not entirely sure what to call the gathering I went to yesterday. It was social with people in casual clothes talking, eating waffles and laughing, as in a munch, but there were also play. It was play, as in a play party, but it wasn’t a party. Maybe I can call it a social play gathering? But that’s just me and my thing for labels again. It was fun, and that’s what matters.
The first two minutes or so I just stared, because there were a lot of people and I didn’t see anyone I already had talked to. In those minutes the words: “What am I doing here!?” went to my brain frequently. Then I saw a woman I had talked to and begun to get to know at the play party. She smiled and I went over and asked if I could sit with her. The answer was yes and she said I had looked a bit lost. I assured her I had felt lost too. We began a conversation and everything was alright from then on.
I talked to her and to others and I moved through the rooms and looked at people playing. Once, while I was talking with a guy, he asked what I thought about that kind of slapping sound that came from someone getting spanked (or hit with something, I don’t remember) at the other side of the room. I had been aware of the slapping sound and the sounds that came directly after them for some while, and said so before I excused myself and went to have a look. Later we continued the conversations, but then the topic was books.
At one point I was talking with the woman I had met at the play party (let’s call her V. No, not as in V for Vendetta) and V talked about some uncomfortable/painful thing her boyfriend and sadist had thought out to do to her. Suddenly she looks up at me and the other guy in the conversation and says: “Why am I even complaining about this to you, you wouldn’t understand, you are both sadistic.” She looks at me and says: “I just forget about you because you are the cute kind of sadist.” Now, that would have made me smile, if I hadn’t already been grinning.
I did both smile and grin a lot yesterday. So much so, that at one point my face hurt. It started when V showed me a flogger she had brought with her. It was pretty and I could feel my mouth stretch in a smile before I could even think about it. That smile made V laugh. The smiling continued through different conversations, only to be replaced by a big grin when I heard someone react to their beatings. Or better yet, when I saw them being hurt and could see their faces contorted in pain. (And oh my, do I feel bad just writing that!) Needless to say, I grinned a lot.
It seems like my sadistic side is the part that will be explored first, since it clearly has come to the forefront. I’m not sure when, or even if, I will get a chance to explore and find out more about that part of me. At the same time it feels kind of good to know that it actually is a part of me, to be able to admit that I think watching others in play pain is fun and exciting. Before it was “I think that maybe a part of me might be a sadist”. Now it is more “I believe a part of me is a sadist”.
And that’s ok.