In an earlier post I mentioned C, my first girlfriend, who introduced me to a lot of things, included kink. Not that I thought about it as kink, back then. It’s only recently that I have begun to think about what we did as kinky. At the time it never occurred to me that it was anything else than absolutely natural and normal. (And it was, of course, for us.) I never even considered that not everyone did the things we did. Why wouldn’t every couple restrain each other, use blindfolds and tease each other mercilessly. It felt so good and it was so much fun! Of course this had to be something everyone did!
Back then, when I talked to my friends about what we did, none of them mentioned that it might be a bit unusual or anything like that. They just continued talking about sex, like we always do. When I think about it, it might not have come as a big surprise to them that I want to explore kink and BDSM, considering what I told them about C and myself. No one made me question what we did with each other and I never really stopped and considered it myself. Why would I? I liked it and C was full of new and fun stuff we could try.
Not that I wanted to try everything the first time she mentioned it. On more than one occasion I balked and said no way. But C was sly and after she had planted the idea in my head, she let me think about it, turn it around and look at it from different angels. Then she would mention it again. I would say no again, but a bit more doubtful this time around. This would go on for a while before I gave in and agreed to try, at least once, just because I’m so very curious.
When I think back I see that she made a pattern out of it. Some things I agreed to try the first time she mentioned it. Other things she had to work at. Not because I didn’t trust her to do them to me, but because I was sure it couldn’t be anything I could possibly like, or even should like. In some cases I balked because it seemed wrong to do them. During our relationship, C taught me that when it comes to sex, nothing is wrong between consenting adults.
C really taught me a lot in our years together, about living life, having fun, being spontaneous and letting go now and again. Lessons I have used in my life to make it better. From time to time I marvel at how much she showed me, things I didn’t realize the importance of when she gave me the lessons. Right now, at this time in my life, what she taught me about sex, kink and acceptance matters the most.
After I began to read about BDSM I thought back to my time with C and about our bedroom activities, and I realized that there were some resemblances between what I already had experienced and what I was now reading about. That was probably the first time I really understood that the things we had done together wasn’t actually done by every couple, at one time or another. But not before later, when I talked with V, a new kinky friend, did I truly comprehend that not everyone binds their loved one to the bed before having their way with them.
V and I were talking about how we were introduced to kink and BDSM, and I said something like:
“My first girlfriend and I used ribbons to bind each other to the bed, blindfolds, ice; stuff like that. Small things, probably things everyone do.”
The answer V gave me was something like:
“Uhm, I don’t think everyone does stuff like that. It’s not that usual.”
Inside my head something clicked and I thought:
Doesn’t everyone do that? Really? Why not? Hmm …
Neither C nor I was solely on top or solely on the bottom in bed. I think I liked looking up at her as much as I liked looking down at her, both figuratively and literally. Maybe I liked looking up just a bit more than looking down. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m a control freak and being able to let go, to let someone else be in control, is quite … liberating, and not something I’m used to, at all.
When I began reading about BDSM I first believed that I had to be a submissive or a bottom or something in that category, because of this. I still believe that I might enjoy being a bottom for the right person, but it isn’t a thought I entertain too much. Because without the right person, a person I can trust with my body, my mind and my life, the thought is just too scary. Being the one in control, the one who has the responsibility for the life of another person is daunting too, very much so, but it’s a tiny bit less scary than being the one giving up control to another. Besides, I really want to explore my sadistic side. Oh, I think that’s frightening too, make no mistake. To give someone pain, without harming them in any way, isn’t something I consider carelessly. I know I have a lot to learn, I know it’s a big responsibility. I also know that I really, really want to and that I will work to make it happen. While I learn, work and wait, I will entertain myself with watching others play and trying (and most likely failing) not to grin too much.