Not Dead Yet …

I haven’t written anything here in ages, but I’m popping in now and then, so that means … I hope … that this blog isn’t dead, yet.

Quite often I think about things I want to write and just as often other things happens, or the mood doesn’t strike me or I just can’t find the time. In other words, life. Life happens, and I’m, mostly, happy about it.

While I still am, without a doubt, both a dominant and a sadist, I do begin to realize that I really enjoy being a rope model. I have tried being in ropes a couple of more times since the first one, the one described in My First Experience as a Rope Bunny. It’s still an amazing experience and I hope to write about it in the near future.

But for now … Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!



A Year and Then Some

It has been one year and some weeks and I still have not managed to completely kill of this blog. Granted, I have starved it quite a bit. One post a month was not what I had planned, but I do believe it is better than nothing. This is the third blog that I have made, and the only one who kind of survived a year. That must count for something.

One year and some weeks ago, I started this blog. Almost at the same time, I went to my first three kinky gatherings. Three gatherings in the span of two weeks. I am still a little proud of myself because I did that – I was terrified the first times -, a little proud and very pleased.

Getting into the scene has been one of my best decisions for years. I have met some amazing people, learned a lot about myself, gotten new friends, gotten a bit into board games – which is great fun by the way – and found a wonderful woman I have a very good and fulfilling relationship with.

Life is good.

The year 2013

It’s been a good year for me, all in all.

I have learned a lot about myself, some surprising things, some funny things and some things that were plain scary, to begin with.

I have begun new friendships with people I hope to keep in my life in years to come.

I have both ended and begun romantic relationships. Later today I have a dinner date with my girlfriend and after that we will attend a play party. I look forward to it, a lot.

I have been more scared and out of my comfort zone than I have been in years, but I have also been braver than I have had reason to be, in years. So that worked out fine.

I have read about 80 books this year, both fictional and non-fictional.

I have read and learned a lot about my new hobby, BDSM. In fact, I have read more non-fictional material than I have done since I left school. Right now I’m reading “The New Topping Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, I like it a lot.

I have written over 400 pages of a manuscript that isn’t fantasy. This is the manuscript that had me researching BDSM to begin with.

I have lost someone. So far in my life I have been lucky and haven’t lost human friends and family. Now I can no longer say that. This loss is part of the reason for me not writing this past month, not on my manuscript and not on this blog. I hope I will get back to it in 2014. I love to write; sometimes I think I need it to stay healthy and sane.

I will spend New Year’s Eve with my girlfriend and friends I have met through my new hobby. I’m pretty sure it will be great, with so many great people there.

I know this is a list of “I this” and “I that” and that it is bad writing, but since the list is about my year … I figured it could work.

The Cozy Perverts

A warm room full of people, talking and laughter.

A man sits with handcuffs and talks animatedly with a man with pigtails and clip-on ear rings.

Two women in various state of dress, bound with ropes, walks around and talks and jokes with others.

A new and wicked cane simply has to be tested by everyone on everyone else.

A small group of men and women has gathered to help a couple of men choose the right nail polish and get it on without too much of a mess.

A man sits on the floor, does what he is told, and gets petted now and again.

Sometimes there is slaps, whacks, hair pulling and pinching followed by sounds like ouch, ai ai ai, iiiiii, no no no and I’m sorry! And of course there is laughter from everyone else.

Good conversations with friends, laughter and smiles.

A cute and tired woman has her head in my lap. She needs some petting and repose. I’m so happy to see her, talk to her and touch her. I haven’t seen her, my date, since the Halloween party and we have a lot of cuddling to make up for. Later, when she is up for it, we will try the cane that’s been sent around the whole evening. Earlier I got a shoe-horn from a friend and I want to use that one too. It’s what we tried on Halloween and it worked very well. But for right now it’s cuddling, hugging, caressing and talking.

The whole atmosphere is relaxed and warm and friendly. It’s always nice to be here, it’s always a lot of good people to talk to, but tonight there is this relaxed feeling going on too. This feeling of a very close knitted group that have some serious down time together. I know that everyone isn’t that close knitted, I couldn’t even put a name to most of the people in the room, but it doesn’t change the feeling.

The very cozy feeling.

An Unusual Compliment

While chatting with my date over Skype I tried to put some of my feelings into words. I don’t remember what led to it, but I ended up describing what I sometimes feel when I’m with her. I have felt like this for some time, but it’s kind of scary and I don’t believe that it’s usual to feel like this when you like someone.

Silly me; usual in the vanilla sense of the word and usual in the kinky sense of the word is two very different things.

This will be roughly translated from what I remember.

First I wrote:

You are so cute; sometimes I want to rip you to pieces.”

I read that sentence a couple of times. It described exactly how I feel occasionally. Sometimes, the fact that she is so cute can make me want to rip and tear at her with my hands and teeth, I just want to destroy her. That’s how cute she is; that’s how she affects me.

The thought is highly disturbing, even if I know that I never, ever, will harm her, much less destroy her.

I felt that some reassurance was needed, so I continued:

Okay, I know that doesn’t sound very sane, but I intend it in the best manner possible. I promise.”

After some deliberation I sent the whole message and hoped that she wouldn’t run screaming.

She didn’t, on the contrary. I got I lot of smiley faces and she asked if I really meant it. I said I did. More smiley faces followed before I got these words:

That’s one of the best compliments ever!”

So yeah, vanilla compliments and kinky compliments really aren’t the same.


Flirting is a great mystery to me. I neither understand it nor see it. Not only do I not see if someone is flirting with me, I don’t even know when I’m doing something others would consider flirting. When it comes to flirting, I’m completely blind.

Some of it might be inexperience, but some of it is also the fact that I have a hard time believing that anyone would flirt with me. (Low self-esteem, much?) When I’m in a situation where I think there might be a possibility that someone is flirting, I consider it carefully and then end up with a: “Nah, surely not. Why would she?” It’s better to believe that no one is flirting and be wrong, than to believe that someone is flirting, and be wrong.

It’s not a conscious thought either; it’s just the way it is. “No one is flirting, don’t get your hopes up, move along now.”

Of course, it’s a bit worse when I don’t realize that I’m flirting myself. I might talk to someone I like, and later stop and consider if I was flirting or not, without really figuring it out.

(You should know when you do these things, right?)

I have a feeling flirting should be fun, but unless I know what’s actually going on, it’s more bewildering than anything else.

New Newbies

A couple of weeks ago I meet another newbie at a kinky gathering. Of course, there are always newbies, either completely new newbies or newbies that has been to some gatherings but still are very new newbies. (New newbies; say it ten times, fast!) It was her first time at anything kinky and she seemed as nervous as I had been at my first munch. We began talking and realized that we actually were pretty much alike, not only being new to BDSM, but in other things as well. We talked and talked, and I got pretty excited when I heard she was a reader and that she liked fantasy books, just like me. That alone is at subject that can fill hours. We continued to send messages over Felife and got to know each other better and better. Not well, maybe, but definitely better.

Yesterday we met up before going to a munch together. We talked and talked and talked, both before, during and after the munch. Sometimes we agreed on so much and had so similar tastes that I found it a bit weird. I mean really, what are the chances! We talked to other people too, of course, both other newbies and more experienced people. Still, I’m pretty sure I talked the most with her.

When we left the munch we were laughing and giggling so much it was hard to breathe, let alone talk. My face hurt from smiling. If it’s possible to be drunk on laughter, I was drunk, rip roaring drunk. It was a good feeling.

Was I nervous before we went to the munch? Yes, I was, but nothing close to the nervousness I have experienced before. I was with someone I knew I got along with and knew could talk to. That I was less nervous could stem from the fact that I was coming and leaving with someone, or it could be that I feel more secure now. I have been to some gatherings, talked to a lot of people, and I still stand tall. Maybe, just maybe, my brain finally accepted that it isn’t really scary. Maybe it’s a bit of both. I don’t know, and I don’t really care, so long the nerves don’t come back. (That’s probably too much to ask for, but I can hope …)

Anyway, I’m glad that I met her and that we can talk so well about so much. I’ll see her again today, at another kinky gathering. I look forward to discover what new topics we will talk to pieces.