The Three C’s

As a newbie in BDSM I have done quite a bit of reading and thinking and discussing. Both about doing kinky stuff and about having a D/s relationship. It did not take long before I saw some words repeat themselves, and I dubbed them the three C’s. The three C’s is probably on the top five list on how to make a D/s relationship work – or any relationship for that matter. For me, those words are the top three on that list. Better yet, they are all on the top of the list, together.

Consent. Compatibility. Communication.

Consent.

Consent is vital for any relationship. From consensual non-consent or blanket consent to enthusiastic consent and everything in between – consent is what distinguish a healthy power exchange relationship from abuse. I read and hear about consent everywhere, and for a reason. It is not easy to be new and not completely get how important consent is and how many shades consent comes in. In the beginning, consensual non-consent sounded awfully like abuse to me. Now I know a bit more and the term does not sound as frightening.

Personally, I like enthusiastic consent the most. It is not necessary all the time, but often enough to hold my doubts and worry in check. A lot of the time, I get her consent by asking her to do something and she does it, and by her sounds and other reactions when I do something to her. It is not as if I find something new and just do it without talking about it or give her a warning first. Informed consent is important. Here is where the two other C’s comes in.

Compatibility.

To find someone that you are compatible with is not easy, but if you find someone who floats on the same waves as you do, the wait is worth it. I am not only talking about kinks. For a relationship to work compatibility is necessary both in a vanilla setting and in a kinky one. It will not be easy to have a relationship when one partner only wants to party in their free time and the other only wants to go on hikes. If there is no middle ground, there is not much for a relationship to grow on. The way I see it, compatibility in a vanilla setting is as important, if not more, than having compatible kinks. (If you want to have a vanilla relationship too, that is, and not just a D/s relationship.)

As for compatible kinks, who cares what rest of the world thinks of your kinks when you have a partner that enjoys them as much as you do? To find someone that you have many kinks in common with can be a hardship for some. I have read about people who just cannot seem to find someone who is into the same things as them. And I have read about many people who have found the one that fulfill their own kinks to perfection, even if they did not think it possible at first.

I think it is important to remember that people are first and foremost not kink delivery systems, but people. Chances are you will not find someone who like all the things you like as much as you like them and nothing else. Do not write a list about all the things that a prospective partner have to be and like; you might miss out on a lot of great people if you do. Then there is the fact that some people might learn to like and love new kinks, because their partner like this kink or that kink so much. They might grow into it, given the chance and the time to get used to it. Then again, they might not. It is probably not smart to begin a relationship on the assumption that the new partner will learn to love a kink that you cannot live without. Talk about it, a lot, and be clear when you communicate. This is where the last C comes in.

Communication.

I have read a lot of post and articles that has claimed another version of the three C’s. Communication, communication and communication. In a D/s relationship, communication does not fix everything any more than in a vanilla relationship, but it is a beginning. There will not be possible to clarify or fix anything if you do not communicate.

In addition, open communication is even more important when one partner have all the authority in a relationship and a green card for giving pain when one wants to. I would think it is good to have a submissive who is a secure enough communicator that she may tell the dominant that she feels like she is coming down with the flu, before the dominant decides to give the submissive an ice cold shower. Informed consent goes both ways. I would feel horrible if I inadvertently made my girlfriend sick, (I would certainly not consent to do so) or harmed her in any way when it could have been avoided by open communication.

I can honestly say that I have never been in a relationship where I have communicated this much. I am not a great communicator. I like to talk to my girlfriend, my friends and my family, but I am not good at talking about heavier stuff. It gets stuck in my head, sometimes in my throat, and I cannot get the words out. If the other part is as bad as I am at communication, little communication will find place. I do not like the fact, but it is a fact.

Fortunately, my girlfriend is much better at communication than I am and makes it possible for me to communicate without having too much trouble. It does not make all conversations easy, but it makes it possible even when it is hard.

A Year and Then Some

It has been one year and some weeks and I still have not managed to completely kill of this blog. Granted, I have starved it quite a bit. One post a month was not what I had planned, but I do believe it is better than nothing. This is the third blog that I have made, and the only one who kind of survived a year. That must count for something.

One year and some weeks ago, I started this blog. Almost at the same time, I went to my first three kinky gatherings. Three gatherings in the span of two weeks. I am still a little proud of myself because I did that – I was terrified the first times -, a little proud and very pleased.

Getting into the scene has been one of my best decisions for years. I have met some amazing people, learned a lot about myself, gotten new friends, gotten a bit into board games – which is great fun by the way – and found a wonderful woman I have a very good and fulfilling relationship with.

Life is good.

My First Year of Kink

About a year ago I began the journey that led me into the world of kink. I began to write the short story that would become a very long story and the reason I felt that I had to read about BDSM to get things at right as possible. (For science, you know.)

It’s been a good year. I have learned a lot about kink and myself. I have gotten new friends and good acquaintances and I meet the woman who is now my girlfriend, lover, friend, kitty, fuck toy and masochist. More than once I have had to adjust the way I see myself and the kinky parts of the world.

While it has happened that I have doubted the newly discovered sides of myself, I haven’t regretted this journey. Not even for a minute, not once. I’m grateful that I found BDSM and all the friends I have gotten to know in the scene.

I don’t know what this year will bring, but I’m looking forward to finding out.

I hope it’s kinky.

The year 2013

It’s been a good year for me, all in all.

I have learned a lot about myself, some surprising things, some funny things and some things that were plain scary, to begin with.

I have begun new friendships with people I hope to keep in my life in years to come.

I have both ended and begun romantic relationships. Later today I have a dinner date with my girlfriend and after that we will attend a play party. I look forward to it, a lot.

I have been more scared and out of my comfort zone than I have been in years, but I have also been braver than I have had reason to be, in years. So that worked out fine.

I have read about 80 books this year, both fictional and non-fictional.

I have read and learned a lot about my new hobby, BDSM. In fact, I have read more non-fictional material than I have done since I left school. Right now I’m reading “The New Topping Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, I like it a lot.

I have written over 400 pages of a manuscript that isn’t fantasy. This is the manuscript that had me researching BDSM to begin with.

I have lost someone. So far in my life I have been lucky and haven’t lost human friends and family. Now I can no longer say that. This loss is part of the reason for me not writing this past month, not on my manuscript and not on this blog. I hope I will get back to it in 2014. I love to write; sometimes I think I need it to stay healthy and sane.

I will spend New Year’s Eve with my girlfriend and friends I have met through my new hobby. I’m pretty sure it will be great, with so many great people there.

I know this is a list of “I this” and “I that” and that it is bad writing, but since the list is about my year … I figured it could work.

Curious about pet play

When I first began to think about kink and BDSM and what it could mean for me, there were certain things that I believed I would never like. Things I believed I couldn’t like. First and foremost there was sadism. That wasn’t for me, it couldn’t be. I was a good girl and always have been. I don’t do bad things and I certainly don’t like to hurt people. The thought of giving someone pain was horrific – to begin with.

It wasn’t too long before I started to question my declaration of not being sadistic. Little by little I came to the conclusion that I’m, in fact, sadistic. Writing this blog helped to clear my head and put my feelings and thoughts into words. Now I’m beginning to be quite comfortable with the label sadist. All I really needed was to be around masochists that like to receive pain as much as I like giving it – possibly more.

Another concept that was too strange for me was pet play. In the beginning when I just read about BDSM and didn’t think of what it could mean for me and what I could like and dislike, pet play was too peculiar too even contemplate. So, when I began to think about BDSM and what I thought of different stuff on a personal level, pet play wasn’t even in my mind. I had gone to quite a few kinky gatherings before it crossed my mind.

One evening I began to think about a new idea to a story with a kinky subject and figured out, quite unexpected, that my characters wasn’t only in a D/s relationship; they were also in an owner and kitten relationship. That was when I began to think about pet play and discovered that the thought of having such a relationship was a little attractive.

In the weeks and months that followed I read a bit about pet play and it popped up in my thoughts again and again, until I was well and truly curious. What would it be like to have a kitten? How would it work? Was it possible to have both an owner and kitten relationship and a more ordinary D/s relationship? What about pain, could I give my kitten pain – if I ever found myself in that kind of relationship – or wasn’t that done?

Of course, I realized that most of the questions only could be answered by my future partner and me, by figuring out what we wanted for ourselves and our interactions. There’s no handbook that encompass all owner and kitten relationships, which is all to the better. Everyone is different and I wouldn’t like to follow someone else’s plan, anyway. But the thought of pet play went from being not interesting to a little attractive to very attractive to ‘I really want to try this’.

With both sadism and pet play on the list, I have had two major change of heart, and mind, since I began to explore the kinky world – and probably a lot of smaller ones. I’m pretty sure that I will find other things that I will change my mind about, in time.

What is my “type”?

While it sometimes happens that I think a random woman on the street is beautiful, I don’t have a physical “type” that interests me more than others. Or, if I do, I have not found it yet. I think it’s fascinating how some of my friends seem to have a physical “type” they like better than other types. It might be that someone with long, brown hair, square jaw and muscle appeals more than other features. Or it might be a more general look, like someone with Asian features or Nordic, Hispanic or Italian features. Of course, the fact that someone likes to watch people that look so and so, doesn’t mean that they always fall in love with someone that looks like that.

Physical looks are, after all, only the first impression, and while the first impression matters, it’s unlikely to do any good if the person is a jerk.

When my friends and I talk about types and they list features that makes them turn their heads or personality traits that makes them pay closer attention, and then ask about my type, I can’t give them an answer. We have used hours to try and find my type, without success. Sure, I like that girls have some hair on their heads and I like it if their clothing style are girlish more than boyish, but neither is a must have. When it comes to hair, eye and skin color I have no preferences that I know of. It’s not like I can’t see a woman and like what I see, I most certainly can, but there is no straight answer to exactly why I like her looks. And if you put her exact opposite next to her, I might like her just as much.

While I don’t have a physical type, that I have discovered, I do have a list with preferences. I would like it if we have some, or a lot, of the same interests. We must be able to talk, and talk and talk and laugh a lot together. I would prefer it if we were quite close in age, give or take about three years. And there must be chemistry, lots of good chemistry, and a spark. The spark isn’t necessary to begin with; if the right chemistry is there, the spark might just come in its own time.

Of course, now that I’m carefully dipping my toes in the BDSM world, I would like it very much if we were compatible in that area too. Not that I’m entirely aware of what that would mean, for my part, but I’m beginning to get a notion of it.

So far none of those I have fallen in love with have been even the slightest bit alike, physically. They have been on completely different ends of the spectrum, both in features and colors. I think that the personality catches my attention first and if other things are right, the fact that I like how she looks kind of sneaks up on me until I one day realize she is beautiful, stylish and so very cute. There is no other way to describe it.

My type is the one I fall in love with.

Hugging

I don’t get causal hugging. The type of hugging that happens between people that just have met, or maybe have met once or twice before. The type of hugging where you don’t know for sure that the person you hug is someone you like, trust or even want to hug, no matter how causal.

There are some people that I like instantly and don’t mind hugging at all, but they are few and far between. In most cases I have to use some time to get to know people before I’m comfortable with hugging them. It doesn’t always happen either; sometimes I can like people, even be friends with them, without ever feeling that hugging them is a normal part of our relationship. In the meantime I’m expected to hug everyone I talk to, anyway. I’m not okay with that. Not by a long shot. But it’s really hard to say no or to take a step back when people move forward to hug you, or even ask for a hug.

How does one deal with that? Maybe it’s just me?

On one occasion I became a bit desperate and told him flat out that I didn’t want to hug him. Of course he was taken aback and had to ask why. I told him that I’m not good with intimacy. Not a total lie, since I’m no good with being intimate with people I hardly know, and a close up hug goes far into my personal space. After that I haven’t been that desperate again, but I’m quite often uncomfortable with hugging people I don’t know much. Regrettably, I’m too shy or simply anxious about other people’s feelings and about making a possible scene that I’m unable to say anything.

I don’t understand the gesture of hugging everyone when you greet them or when you say goodbye. Friends, family and lovers, sure, in those cases a hug or two is natural, even for me. (To cuddle up with my girlfriend is on the top of my to-do list when/if I find someone. That kind of intimacy I’m rather good at and it’s addictive.) A couple of weeks ago I even asked for a hug from a new friend. Afterwards I felt bad; what if she is like me and don’t like casual hugging and don’t think hugging is natural yet, but wasn’t able to say no to me? It gave me a pause.

So … if the trend that commands that everyone have to hug everyone else, would pass soon, that would be great.

Some people probably like all the hugs, but some are not all and not everybody are able to say no thanks to the hug. Next time you are about to hug someone, ask yourself if you know the person you are about to hug well enough to know if they actually want a hug or not.

Not everyone is a hugger.