The year 2013

It’s been a good year for me, all in all.

I have learned a lot about myself, some surprising things, some funny things and some things that were plain scary, to begin with.

I have begun new friendships with people I hope to keep in my life in years to come.

I have both ended and begun romantic relationships. Later today I have a dinner date with my girlfriend and after that we will attend a play party. I look forward to it, a lot.

I have been more scared and out of my comfort zone than I have been in years, but I have also been braver than I have had reason to be, in years. So that worked out fine.

I have read about 80 books this year, both fictional and non-fictional.

I have read and learned a lot about my new hobby, BDSM. In fact, I have read more non-fictional material than I have done since I left school. Right now I’m reading “The New Topping Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, I like it a lot.

I have written over 400 pages of a manuscript that isn’t fantasy. This is the manuscript that had me researching BDSM to begin with.

I have lost someone. So far in my life I have been lucky and haven’t lost human friends and family. Now I can no longer say that. This loss is part of the reason for me not writing this past month, not on my manuscript and not on this blog. I hope I will get back to it in 2014. I love to write; sometimes I think I need it to stay healthy and sane.

I will spend New Year’s Eve with my girlfriend and friends I have met through my new hobby. I’m pretty sure it will be great, with so many great people there.

I know this is a list of “I this” and “I that” and that it is bad writing, but since the list is about my year … I figured it could work.


Change in relationship status

My date and I decided that we aren’t going to keep calling what we do, for dating. In all honesty it stopped being dating about a month ago. That’s when it started to feel like a relationship. A couple of weeks ago we talked and agreed that it did feel more like a relationship that dating someone we might or might not end up in a relationship with. She told me that she more than once have thought of me like her girlfriend and I admitted that the word “mine” came up again and again when I was with her or thought about her.

That’s what she felt like, and what she feels like even more now; mine. Mine to hold, hug, kiss, look at and talk, laugh and do stuff with. Whether the stuff we are doing is walking, watching a movie or making dinner, or less innocent stuff; she is mine.

The first time that word, mine, was at the tip of my tongue, I swallowed it down. I didn’t know if she would be comfortable with such a word. Some people are, and some aren’t, even in an established relationship and we weren’t in one, at that time. Sometime later the word slipped out in spite of my intentions; the day after that, we had our little talk.

So now she is mine as much as I’m hers. We are no longer dating, but I think we will keep planning dates, because we like them.

I also know that she doesn’t mind the word “mine”. I’m grateful for that, because it happens to be a word I like.


Play time

This weekend I had my date over. We talked, watched a movie, ate good food, cuddled a lot, went to the movie theater, worked a bit on our own stuff and had a good time all along. I enjoyed myself and I think she did too.

We also had play time. For me, being the newbie, there was a lot of firsts. She has been in the scene for a couple of years or there about, so for her the newness consisted of the fact that I was the one doing things with her. Oh, and the wooden spoon, that one was new for her too. I had read about people using wooden spoons to spank with and found one in a shop. Being the curios person that I’m, I bought it. My date didn’t object to me trying it on her.

I have mentioned before that I’m not sure what I think about spanking or hitting, but that I have tried it on more than one occasion. Having my date reclining on my bed waiting – and wanting – for me to spank her, was the first of the many new experiences. I found I rather liked it.

I didn’t think: “Oh, what am I to do?”

Or: “I can’t do this!”

Or even: “I’m so very nervous!”

I wanted to spank her and give her pain in other ways, and she wanted me to do it. There was no wondering what to do; we had talked about it and I already knew what I wanted and that she was okay with it. There were no thoughts about how I couldn’t do it; I had spanked her and given her pain at earlier events and knew I could. Besides, we would talk and she would tell me if something felt wrong. And I wasn’t nervous because this was my date, a woman I have come to like and trust. I wasn’t going to harm her and she wouldn’t hate me for giving her pain – and liking it.

As most other things in life, spanking becomes easier with practice. Not that I’m good at doing it yet, far from it, but I’m beginning to believe that I might like to practice. That was one of the things I figured out during the play time. The act of spanking has become easier and I enjoyed it. Of course, the biggest reason for my enjoyment was the sounds my date came with; the proof that she liked it too.

So I spanked her bare handed, I spanked her with a horse whip, a shoe-horn and a wooden spoon. Sometimes I would take a break from the spanking and caress her skin, scratch at her back, steal some kisses, pull on her hair and kiss and bite on her neck.

After a while we cuddled, without me actually completely stopping to give her pain. At some point I asked if I could dig my fingernails into her butt, because I suddenly wanted to. She said to go ahead and I did. Her reaction to the pain nearly made me go to pieces and it made me want to rip her to bits at the same time. It pushed one of those buttons. The sound that came from behind her clenched teeth and the grimace she attempted to cover in the pillow … It made my heart beat harder, my breath catch and small sounds of appreciation come from me.

I want more of that, more please, more!

I did feel greedy for her reactions, but I don’t think she minded. It wasn’t the impression I got, at least. *grin*

We had some time with just snuggling and making out before we got up to continue with our day. I felt slightly woozy and kind of muffled inside my head, but the sensations disappeared with time and a bit of food.

My date and I chatted the day after the play time, when she had gotten home, and we agreed that it had been a good experience. She said that she wouldn’t have minded if I had hit her harder, but that she had wanted me to take it in my own time. I liked that, the fact that she doesn’t feel she have to push, that she has time and patience to wait for me to learn, adjust and catch up.

I’m pretty sure I will.

The Cozy Perverts

A warm room full of people, talking and laughter.

A man sits with handcuffs and talks animatedly with a man with pigtails and clip-on ear rings.

Two women in various state of dress, bound with ropes, walks around and talks and jokes with others.

A new and wicked cane simply has to be tested by everyone on everyone else.

A small group of men and women has gathered to help a couple of men choose the right nail polish and get it on without too much of a mess.

A man sits on the floor, does what he is told, and gets petted now and again.

Sometimes there is slaps, whacks, hair pulling and pinching followed by sounds like ouch, ai ai ai, iiiiii, no no no and I’m sorry! And of course there is laughter from everyone else.

Good conversations with friends, laughter and smiles.

A cute and tired woman has her head in my lap. She needs some petting and repose. I’m so happy to see her, talk to her and touch her. I haven’t seen her, my date, since the Halloween party and we have a lot of cuddling to make up for. Later, when she is up for it, we will try the cane that’s been sent around the whole evening. Earlier I got a shoe-horn from a friend and I want to use that one too. It’s what we tried on Halloween and it worked very well. But for right now it’s cuddling, hugging, caressing and talking.

The whole atmosphere is relaxed and warm and friendly. It’s always nice to be here, it’s always a lot of good people to talk to, but tonight there is this relaxed feeling going on too. This feeling of a very close knitted group that have some serious down time together. I know that everyone isn’t that close knitted, I couldn’t even put a name to most of the people in the room, but it doesn’t change the feeling.

The very cozy feeling.

An Unusual Compliment

While chatting with my date over Skype I tried to put some of my feelings into words. I don’t remember what led to it, but I ended up describing what I sometimes feel when I’m with her. I have felt like this for some time, but it’s kind of scary and I don’t believe that it’s usual to feel like this when you like someone.

Silly me; usual in the vanilla sense of the word and usual in the kinky sense of the word is two very different things.

This will be roughly translated from what I remember.

First I wrote:

You are so cute; sometimes I want to rip you to pieces.”

I read that sentence a couple of times. It described exactly how I feel occasionally. Sometimes, the fact that she is so cute can make me want to rip and tear at her with my hands and teeth, I just want to destroy her. That’s how cute she is; that’s how she affects me.

The thought is highly disturbing, even if I know that I never, ever, will harm her, much less destroy her.

I felt that some reassurance was needed, so I continued:

Okay, I know that doesn’t sound very sane, but I intend it in the best manner possible. I promise.”

After some deliberation I sent the whole message and hoped that she wouldn’t run screaming.

She didn’t, on the contrary. I got I lot of smiley faces and she asked if I really meant it. I said I did. More smiley faces followed before I got these words:

That’s one of the best compliments ever!”

So yeah, vanilla compliments and kinky compliments really aren’t the same.

Spanko’ween (Just because it’s a funny word.)

Rihannas S&M song starts pounding through the room.

I smile at my date. “Well, that song doesn’t fit at all.”

“No, not at all. Not in this crowd.” She grins at me and the grin becomes a grimace when she feels my fingernails on her back digging into her skin, slowly finding their way higher up her back, up to the shoulder and down her chest. She shudders a bit and I watch fascinated before I start stroking her neck, chest and arms. I find a bit of skin under the upper arm and pinch it. She gasps.

A pirate walks past us.

We are celebrating Halloween together with a lot of kinky people. The place is full of spider webs, spiders, dark cloth, flashing lights and loud music. The people is dressed up as vampires, pirates, school girls, dead people, animals, secret agents, trolls and other monsters. There are also some people in quite ordinary fetish wear, but almost everyone is dressed up in one way or another. Personally I really, really like to dress up; every time I get the chance I make the most of it.

This is the first time my date and I experiment with stuff like scratching, hair pulling and pinching. Not so much biting, though, I want to keep my lipstick for a while longer. Besides, I have already bitten her, on earlier occasions. I know I will give in to the urge of biting her again, before the night is up, she is so damn cute; she is edible.

Originally we had planned to try this at my home before going to the party, so the first time wouldn’t be public. We didn’t get the time and ended up in a sofa at the party instead. That worked just as well, for my part, and I’m sure she agrees.

I grab her hair, turn her face towards me and caress her face and throat while watching her eyes and expression. Slowly I let go of her hair while continuing to caress her. My hand wanders down her arm, and instead of fingertips, I caress with my finger nails. Once down her arm, twice. The third time I dig my nails in before dragging them downward, leaving long, red marks. She shudders and small sounds escape her; so beautiful.

We continue with the caressing, scratching, hugging, hair pulling, pinching and cuddling for a good long while before she asks if I want to try to hit her too. I’m not entirely sure what I think of hitting and she knows this, but hitting her while she gives a lot of feedback is safe enough and tempting enough that I want to give it a try. No floggers, though, a small and solid shoehorn is the right implement.


If anyone had asked me how much time went by from the moment we started in the sofa to the moment I gave her the last whack, I couldn’t have given a good answer, not even a good guess. More than fifteen minutes, but less than an hour is my best guess, and I really don’t know. Time went by fast that night, as time is wont to do when one is having fun. And I had a lot of fun that night, a great, big heap of fun, both before starting to hurt my date, during the time I gave her pain, and after. There was so much fun and so much hugging and cuddling.

The next day I woke up with a big grin on my face, I was almost spilling over with sappy-happy, even if I had had far too little sleep. It lasted the whole day. I had cuddle abstinence’s, and that was no fun, but other than that I was fine, more than fine. In the evening I chatted with my date. She had had a good day too, but she had gotten hugs for her cuddle abstinence’s, the lucky bastard. We both agreed that we wanted to repeat the evening before.

The tears came while I was reading in bed, just a few tears, but more than I could understand. I was happy, my date was happy; there was no reason for tears. They continued to trickle anyway. I’m not sure why I cried. It could have been because I missed her, because we had had such a good time and it would be a while before I saw her again or that being alone after being so close and intimate with her made me unhappy. I don’t know; I just know that the tears were there and that they had stopped before I turned my light of.

Lack of nerves

The past month I have been at a kinky gathering or a munch almost every week. In the beginning of my escapades in the kinky world I was more nervous than anything else. Stubbornness alone made sure that I got out the door at home and to the munch. It wasn’t really something I looked forward to; I was far too busy being nervous. It was just something I had to do for myself and hope that it would get better with time.

It did get better. A lot better. Now I look forward to the gatherings, to see my new friends again, to begin new friendships, to talk about books, movies and kink with new people. To joke and laugh with people, and to smile and grin when watching someone get a beating or being put in their place. I might feel mildly uncomfortable sometimes, after all, there are a lot of people I haven’t talked to and sometimes someone can act a bit … out of place. Nothing really rude, just weird, and not in a good way. But it doesn’t happen very often and I guess it’s hard to get away from with so many different people at one place.

So I enjoy looking forward to the gatherings, almost counting down the days, starting at the evening of the last gathering. One reason for my lack of nerves, nerves that were very much there not so long ago, might be the fact that I now meet up with my new newbie friend before the gatherings, and we travel the last bit together. This way, neither of us has to go there alone and sit alone until we find someone to talk to. It’s easier and funnier. I have yet to experience that we run out of things to talk about. Another reason for my lack of nerves might be that I become more and more curios the more I read, learn and see, and I want to learn and see more, and do things myself. I get more and more curious about doing every week. It’s a really hard thought to get out of my head these days. I have got kink on the brain!

This weekend I’m going to a kinky birthday party and I really, really look forward to it. I’m sure it will be a lot of fun! Oh, there will be new people there, and I believe the crowd will be smaller than on the kinky gatherings I’m usually at … and yes, I’m a bit nervous, but I’m a lot more excited! And I know that I already have talked to some of the people who will be there. It will be fine.

Besides, the birthday party isn’t all that I have to look forward to this weekend.

I also have got a date!

No, I’m not thrilled, not at all. No, I don’t look forward to it, not even a bit, of course not. (< Notice the ton of sarcasm I used here. < Notice the fact that I have never done something like this before.) I’m absolute calm and gathered. I’m not jumping up and down while clapping my hands. I wouldn’t do that, ever. (Geez, there’s that sarcasm again.)

Now I’m losing the thread completely, best to put an end to this post.