Playing the Numbers on Fetlife

On Fetlife there is a term «playing the numbers». For the most part, it describes someone (usually a male) who sends a lot of identical PMs to a lot of other people (mostly female). It’s often possible to identify a so-called copy-paste on a glance. They are mostly about the sender himself, often with some kind of fantasy described (and if you are really lucky, it will be described in minute detail) and they tell you loud and clear why they contacted you; for sex and play. The way I understand it is that these males send out a lot of PMs in the hope that if they just send them to enough females, someone will give them the time of the day. They are playing the numbers.


The problem for these males are; they are not the only ones playing the numbers. The recipient, the female, are also playing the numbers. I know I am. I do not get the ton of PMs other dominant (and submissive) women get, and I’m guessing it’s because some of the men who want to send me a message reads that sentence where I state that I am a lesbian, and moves on. Some of the messages I get is still copy-paste where the sender hasn’t read my profile at all (except the fact that I’m a female dominant) and send me some elaborate fantasy, or a “Hi, how are you doing?”. The latter is nice enough, but what am I supposed to do with it? I do not want to talk unless given a reason, and the “hi” messages feels a lot like poking.

“Hi.” *poke* “Hi, notice me.” *poke, poke* “See me, notice me, talk to me!” *poke, poke, poke*

The other thing about the “hi” messages is that if I should answer it with a “hi” in return, the odds are that they will answer me with a proposition for sex and play. No other conversation needed. I have done that enough times to have learned my lesson. I do not answer the “hi” messages.


So, out of every ten messages I receive, maybe one is interesting enough to answer. And if I answer, one out of five want to have an actual conversation. The only reason that I answer as much as one in ten – because even that one message is not necessarily something really great and engaging – is that I have learned that it is the second message that counts. It may be a proposition for sex and play or it may be the start of a conversation. I won’t know before I try, but I won’t try for just any message.


Even those I have a conversation with often turns out to want … yes, indeed, sex and play. I’m not surprised any more. I expect it. Truth to be told; it’s okay. It’s Fetlife. Even if it’s not supposed to be a hook up site, a lot of people use it that way. You just can’t get around it. After months of being single I use it that way myself.


I miss playing. I miss being able to give orders and to have them followed. I miss the intimacy in a scene. I have decided to give a male servant a go, or male slave or maid or a what-have-you. Then I can at least give someone orders, someone who enjoy taking orders as much as I like giving them. So … I play the numbers on Fetlife.


The numbers, so far, are not good. Of the five I have had longer conversations with and agreed to meet, I have met exactly one. One in five. One in five that wanted to meet me, to the point where we made arrangement for a first meeting in public. Fortunately, that one man wants to meet me again, and I liked him and want to meet him again too, so that’s a start.


But playing numbers are not much fun.


Kinky information gathering

These last months I have read enormous amounts of information on and about BDSM and all its aspects and varieties. So far I have only read from the web, but the web is full of information if you know how to find it. And if you always keep in mind that not everything you read is true or good information, and that you also should use your own good sense. I have read and learned a lot from websites, starting with Wikipedia and going on from there, but I have mostly read blogs.

When I joined Fetlife I got a bit irritated, because there was a humongous amount of information there too. What irritated me was that Fetlife announces that it’s like Facebook, only for kinksters, and it is. What it doesn’t make as clear is that it’s full of information. I didn’t join Fetlife when I first heard about it, because I wasn’t in a place where I wanted to talk to or get to know people in the kink community. I wanted and needed information first. Had I know about all the groups you could join and all the treads you could read about everything and anything, both kink related and not, I would have joined much earlier. But I eventually joined and learned more, there too.

Last week I got my first books on BDSM. Exhibitionism for the Shy, by Carlon Queen. The Sexually Dominant Woman, by Lady Green. SM 101, by Jay Wiseman. And Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. So far I have only read through The Sexually Dominant Woman. It’s a workbook on roughly eighty pages. Besides some safety information, it was nothing in the book that I didn’t already know, or felt that I needed to know. It was not the right kind of play and domination for me. Not because it’s written for women who want to dominate men, F/m (my imagination is more than good enough to twist words and situations to F/f if I feel the need), but because the situations described just didn’t feel right for me. For someone else, this might be exactly what they want or need.

I have also begun to read SM 101 and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. (Quite often I read more than one book at a time. Sometimes I switch from book to book, and sometimes I begin to read a new book before I have finished with the first one. Right now I read four books.) Both are well written and promising. I think I will write more about them here when I have finished reading them.

I can’t remember the last time I willingly read so much about a single topic, and it’s not even fiction!


Yesterday I joined FetLife, because, apparently, that is one of the things one must do if one is a kinkster of any kind. And now I know why. Not only can you get to know people with the same interests as you, in the same area, and the rest of the world, of course. There are a lot of events that I otherwise would not have known existed. I found a munch that I think I would like to attend. I think, because I’m not really very good at getting out and meet people. People are scary. Or no, not really … but still, yes, yes, they are. Getting to know someone new is not easy for me. To try and get to know more than one, at once … I don’t know how that will work out for me. Hopefully I will dare to attend, and find out.

At one point, during my search through the World Wide Web of all things BDSM related, I came across a site that told about the steps one could take on the road to finding out if you fit in the BDSM world. There was nothing definite about it; it was just one possible road. The first step was to read about BDSM and kink, read and think, and maybe write down your thoughts. When you had read enough in your own opinion, you could try to find a munch in your area to attend to get to know people who had been, or were, at the same stage you are.

Both steps are good steps, good advice, in my opinion, and … I don’t remember what came next. Probably something like getting to know someone to experiment with/play with/learn with or from. Yes, that seems likely. If you are so inclined, of course. Never do something you are not okay with; that’s one good advice I have read time and time again these last months. Never do something you are not okay with yourself, or do something to another person that they are not okay with, or try to make them do it. Everyone have limits, also when it comes to sex and BDSM, maybe especially on that point. Respect the limits, both your own and others. A no is always a no, no matter the circumstances.

Some other advice I have read when it comes to finding your way in the BDSM world, was join FetLife and attend a munch. It can be that simple too, and you can learn almost solely by talking with others. If you aren’t a control freak like me, and want to know as much as possible, beforehand. Not that it has helped me much, so far.

To sum it up; I joined FetLife, which I consider to be a good thing. And I’m thinking quite seriously about attending a munch, because I believe that I might be ready for the next step.

Time will show, I suppose.